funniest one liners ever heard | 101 + best one-liners of all time I InstaCaptions

 Ever wondered what would to fish do in one tank well here it is "Two fish are in a tank. One says, ‘How do you drive this thing?"

i know know it's not as funny as it should be but there are lots of one-liners that you can use to make someone laugh out loud and they will worship you.

So here are some of the best one-liners of all time 

• “Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.” – Demetri Martin
• “What is worse than ants in your pants? Uncles” – Unknown
• “I’ve moved past threesomes. I’m now into foursomes. If someone backs out, then you’ve still got a threesome. If two people back out, you’re still having sex.” – Gregory House
• “When I was a boy, I laid in my twin sized bed and wondered where my brother was.” – Mitch Hedberg
• “It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.” – Jack Handey
• “I don’t have a girlfriend, but I know a girl that would get really mad if she heard me say that.” – Unknown
• “My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.” – Unknown
• “I have 3 kids and no money, why I can’t I have no kids and 3 money.” -Homer Simpson
• “It became so cold in New York last night that it forced the flashers to describe themselves to people.” – Unknown
• “I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.” – Steven Wright
• “My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.” – Stewart Francis
•  “The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.” – Demetri Martin
•  “I have the world’s largest collection of seashells, you may have seen it, I keep it scattered on beaches all over.” – Unknown
• I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory: all I did was take a day off!
• Money talks: mine always says is goodbye.
• I went to see the doctor about my short-term memory problems — the first thing he did was make me pay in advance.
• You have two parts of the brain, “left” and “right” — in the left side, there’s nothing right and in the right side, there’s nothing left.
• Why do bees hum? They don’t remember the lyrics!
• I have a dog to provide me with unconditional love but I also have a cat to remind me that I don’t deserve it: it’s all about balance.
• Don’t spell part backward. It’s a trap.
• Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
• Most people are shocked when they find out how bad I am as an electrician.
• I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
• Is your ass jealous of the amount of shit that just came out of your mouth?
• Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
• Don’t trust atoms, they make up everything.
• Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me, it means a lot.
• I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
• I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of chapstick. She still isn’t talking to me.
• I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
• I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
• R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist.
• Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families, and careers.
• I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts’ which, on the one hand, is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.
• My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.
• What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He didn’t get hurt because it was a soft drink.
• The future, the present, and the past walked into a bar. Things got a little tense.
• At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he’s adopted?
• I just found out I’m colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
• I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
• My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch, it might be me.
• I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
• Smoking will kill you… Bacon will kill you… And yet, smoking bacon will cure it.
• I was addicted to the hokey pokey… but thankfully, I turned myself around.
• Did Noah include termites on the ark?
• The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Restaurant In Peace.
• I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.
• My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she’s hot, but honestly… I’m not a fan.
• I really hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.
• The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, “This changes everything”.
• I refused to believe father, the road worker, was stealing from his job, but when I got home all the signs were there.

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• I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner — all it was doing was gathering dust.
• PMS jokes are not funny — period!
• Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.
• It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs — they’re always taking things literally.
• I like to hold hands at the movies… which always seems to startle strangers.
• Women should not have children after 35 — 35 children are enough!
• There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t
• Whenever I lose my TV controller, I always find it at a remote location.
• My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: I just couldn’t concentrate.
• My math teacher called me average — it’s so mean!
• “The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.” – Demetri Martin
• I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
• I’m skeptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day — that’s a bit of a stretch.
• Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright before they open their mouth.
• “It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.” – Jack Handey
• I don’t have a boyfriend, but I do know a guy who would be really mad to hear that.
• “The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.” – Demetri Martin
• When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
• “I don’t want to be part of a club that would have me as a member.” – Groucho Marx
• “Does my wife think I’m a control freak? I haven’t decided yet.” – Stewart Francis
• “The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.” – Jay Leno
• “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” – Zach Galifianakis
• “Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.” – George Carlin
• “I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.” – Rodney Dangerfield
• Keep the dream alive — hit your snooze button.
• It sure takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
• “My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.” – Stewart Francis
• I was wondering why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger, and then it hit me.
• The person who invented knock-knock jokes should get a no bell prize.
• The other day I asked the banker to check my balance, so she pushed me.
• For a while, Houdini would use a trap door in every single one of his shows – I guess you could say it was a stage he was going through.
• I hope there’s no pop quiz at the class trip to the Coca-Cola factory.
• If money doesn’t grow on trees, how come banks have branches?
• I didn’t like my beard at first, but it grew on me.
• Give me the calculator, friends don’t let friends derive drunk.
• A baseball walks into a bar —  the bartender throws it out.
• I doubt, therefore I might be.
• I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.
• I had an “hourglass” figure, but then the sand shifted.
• When everything is coming your way — you’re in the wrong lane.
•  “I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.” – Unknown
• “When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.” – Unknown

• “The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family. The problem is no one runs in your family.” – Unknown
• “When you look like I do, it’s hard to get a table for one at chuckee cheese.” – Zach Galifianakis
• “I don’t want to be part of a club that would have me as a member.” – Groucho Marx
• “My ex girlfriend had this really weird fetish. She used to like to dress up like herself, and act like a fucking bitch all the time.” – Bo Burnham
• “Last night, I played poker with Tarot cards … got a full house and 4 people died.” – Steven Wright
• “I tried to change my password to penis but they said it was too short.’ – Unknown
• “My girlfriend used to smoke after sex, so we started using lube.” – Jimmy Carr
•  “Circumcision is popular because Jewish girls won’t touch anything that’s not at least 15% off.” – Unknown
• “The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.” – Unknown
• “Sit on my lap and we’ll talk about the first thing that pops up.” – Unknown
• “It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.” – Unknown
• “Consider the daffodil…and while you’re doing that, I’ll be over here, going through your stuff.” – Jack Handy
• “I told him to be himself, that was pretty mean I guess.” – Roger Sterling
• “I have a friend. He keeps trying to convince me he’s a compulsive liar, but I don’t believe him.” – Ben Bailey
• “My father is schizophrenia, but he’s good people.”- Stewart Francis
• “I was going to tell you a joke about my vagina, but you will never get it.” – Unknown
• “Does my wife think I’m a control freak? I haven’t decided yet.” – Stewart Francis
• “You know what this shirts made out of? Boyfriend material.” – Unknown
• “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” – Zach Galifianakis
• “They lie about marijuana: ‘Marijuana makes you unmotivated.’ Lie. When you’re high, you can do anything you normally do just as well. You just realize it’s not worth the fucking effort. There’s a difference.” – Bill Hicks
• “Who has connections to Connecticut? That’s where rich people go to live the rest of their life in the woods.” – Patrice O’Neal
• “Onions make me sad. A lot of people don’t realize that.” – Mitch Hedberg
• “I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.” – Rodney Dangerfield
• “I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana — mafia.” – Jim Gaffigan
• “I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said ‘It’s nice to see so many bums on seats.’” – Jimmy Carr
•  “There’s a reason it’s called ‘girls gone wild’ and not ‘women gone wild’. When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.” – Louis CK
• “I taught Sunday School for two years. And I got fired. I abused my authority. I used to teach class like this, OK, if one more person talks, everybody is going to Hell. – Maragaret Cho
• “It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” – Woody Allen
•  “Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry.” – Maria Bamford
• “I’m on a whiskey diet…I’ve lost three days already.” –  Tommy Cooper
• In Seattle, they have a saying: ‘If you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'” – Doug Benson
• Animal testing is a terrible idea — they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
• “I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.” — Matt Kirshen
• “Crime in multi-story car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.” — Tim Vine
• “I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.” —Will Marsh
• “People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.” — Abi Roberts
• “A thesaurus is great. There’s no other word for it” —Ross Smith
• “I failed math so many times at school I can’t even count.” — Stewart Francis
• “Two fish in a tank. One says: ‘How do you drive this thing?'” — Peter Kay
• “I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” — Stewart Francis
• “People who like trance music are very persistent. They don’t techno for an answer.” — Joel Dommett
• “Do Transformers get car or life insurance?” – Russell Howard
• “My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles.” – Les Dawson
• I once saw two people wrapped in a barcode and had to ask — “are you an item?”
• I went to buy camouflage trousers but I couldn’t find any.
• “Alright lads, a giant fly is attacking the police station. I’ve called the SWAT team!” — Greg Davies
• “I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.” — Tom Ward
• “I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” — Steve Martin
• My husband and I were happy for 20 years. And then we met.
• I, for one, like Roman numerals.
• When my boss asked me who was stupid, me or him, I told him he doesn’t hire stupid people.
• Any married person should forget their mistakes. No use two people remembering the same thing.
• My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
• I, for one, like Roman numerals.
• I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
• “People tell me I’m condescending…” (Leans in real close) “That means I talk down to people. “
• “By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step he is too old to go anywhere.” — Billy Crystal
• “Proof that we don’t understand death is that we give dead people a pillow.” — Jerry Seinfeld
• “Don’t talk to me about Valentine’s Day. At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass.” — Joan Rivers
• “Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life.” — Ed Byrne
• “I failed math so many times in school I lost count.” — Stewart Francis
• “Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.” — Rodney Dangerfield
• “In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.”— Rodney Dangerfield
• “I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.”— Rodney Dangerfield
• “One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!” — Rodney Dangerfield
• “I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.”— Rodney Dangerfield
• I at a clock yesterday… it was very time-consuming.
• A perfectionist walked into a bar — apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough.
• A termite walks into the bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
• Just burned 2,000 calories. That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
• Always borrow money from a pessimist; they’ll never expect it back.